I was hosting a "Wine Swapping Party" this past Saturday evening. Basically this is a like a cookie swap only for lushes. One of my best ideas ever, and even better that I was hosting this gala the weekend of Lucifer's birthday. I really don't sit and think about Lucifer at all these days, only when I realize I'm living in a cave or when I have the occasional biological clock meltdown. You know, when you realize ALL of your friends either already have children or are getting pregnant and nursing, and you realize that you are only nursing vodka on a Saturday night. And when I have one of those meltdowns I realize how much of my life I wasted with an assclown. And I get pissed off.
My girls and I had a fun evening of wine, laughing and snacks. And then I decided to open my big mouth. In my wine haze I thought it would be "really fun" if my sister got my cake topper from her garage and if we smashed it, in the street of course. Since we were all drunk it was the most logical thing to do. My sister is going through her own marital issues so we had a room of angry (some not all), drunk women who had a case of the giggles. Never a good combination.
When Maryann (my sister) & Kristen returned from the walk next door I was ready, with the mallet in my hand. I think that's what it's called, you know the "hammers" you use to tenderize your meats. All 5 of us put our jackets on and navigated our way through the ice and snow to find the most perfect spot to smash the infamous cake topper. Despite how intoxicated we all were, we were extremely careful to not do it where A) Diesel walks B) cars could get glass in their tires and my personal favorite C) the most perfect spot so the neighbors wouldn't think we were crazy. Maryann did the honors, mainly because she's much better at these things.
Well, when the mallet hit the topper we remained with a bride and a headless one legged groom. At that moment, this was better than hitting mega millions. We quickly grabbed our busted cake topper pieces and ran back into the house. After decorating him, I then turned into the devil herself and remembered how much I despise Lucifer. I think at that moment I became the "Divorced Devil" I took a picture of the busted, headless one legged groom, stuck him in my wine glass that reads, "I got rid of my husband because the dog was allergic" and then typed, "Happy Birthday fucker, hope your childbride gives you AIDES" Yes people you are reading that correct, I wrote AIDES. I never said I was a superstar speller when I drink. And then I clicked SEND. When I told the girls what I did we all giggled like schoolgirls. Until my sister actually READ the text and realized it looked like a retarded person wrote it. I had this sudden urge to send Lucifer ANOTHER text that said "Correction, i meant HIV" I even had it all typed, but realized that would just be insane. Because everything else is perfectly normal.
I know you are all thinking, did Lucifer answer her? No he did not, I'm really not sure what sort of response one would have to a text like that. I can tell you I woke up still laughing this morning, because despite the spelling error, despite the fact that some men and women might be frightened by this behavior, I'm able to laugh, and laughter is the best medicine.
Love your blog!
ReplyDeleteLMAO! Lisa you are something else! God bless you for being able to laugh at yourself and the situation. If I eve did something like that to my ex, I know I would hear about it.... from the cops for harassment charges.... yes, my ex is that petty and childish.
ReplyDeletethank you both : )
ReplyDeletemy ex knows better LOL