The Honeymoon is Over

The honeymoon came and went – we returned back to NJ – I was a nice golden bronze and he looked like a giant blister that just popped.  We had about 5 months of a decent marriage and then he snapped.  Literally snapped. 

I remember the exact day.  It was a rainy Saturday and I was watching the Pope's wake on TV.   Lucifer was working (he worked in law enforcement).  My phone rang and it was the emergency room on the other end.  At that very moment it was like the entire world came to a screeching halt.  See, when you're married to someone who works in this type of work you know the ER isn't exactly calling to say your beloved husband was taken from work in an ambulance for a paper cut.  All I was told was my husband arrived about an hour ago and was in the process of getting examined.  Immediately, I called my mother in law.  After some hustle and bustle, myself, my mother in law, her current flavor of the month boyfriend, my sister in law and her 2 children all piled into the car.  Talk about a cluster fuck.  But this was his family and who was I to tell all 5 of them to stay home.   

After driving for what seemed an eternity I remember running into the ER, asking where my husband was.  As the nurse was escorting me to his room I immediately recognized his work boots peeking out from the curtain .  I quietly prayed that he wasn't shanked at work.  See, just loving someone who works in law enforcement can be emotionally draining at times.  Everyday they go to work and come home safe is a blessing. 

After months of tests, the doctors claimed he had full fledged post traumatic disorder and some anger management issues, although I have no idea what the PTSD was from.  I will be haunted for the rest of my life wondering what happened to him at work that night he was admitted.  For the next 12 months we would visit the ER at least weekly because he was convinced he was having a heart attack. 

In the beginning I was the supportive wife, but after your 100^th trip to the ER, you pretty much know this person is one step short of being in a straight jacket.  But I was the loving wife, standing by his side, holding his hand.  I did alot of crying and praying back then, I thought God wasn't listening to me, I didn't understand why He was allowing this to happen to me. Looking back, God was listening to me, I just wasn't listening to HIM. 

It came to the point where Lucifer was unable to even leave the house let alone go to work. Eventually, the state put him out on disability.  Very long story short my ex never returned to his job – he retired on a mental disability and I was 29 years old married to a loony bird.   He became an anchor that was weighing me down.  He was angry at the world and was very insecure. He stopped talking to all of his friends, would let days, weeks, months pass without talking to his family.  He avoided my family like the plague, and would get angry when I would go visit them.  And for me this was the most difficult part, I am very close to my family.  The smallest things would set him off.  I felt like I was constantly walking on egg shells.  I remember walking to the fridge for food and he’d moo at me.  I have never been “fat” a day in my life, so you do the math here.  He critiqued everything I did, everything I said.  He was verbally abusive and just a flat out asshole. 

I should have left then, but I had convinced myself that all couples have ups and downs and “true love” can get you through anything.  I was dumb.  I should have left then.