Joan of Arc

Peter Pan used to ALWAYS compare himself to Charlie Sheen, although I never saw the resemblance.  Charlie Sheen is a wacko, but Peter Pan is well just a gay nerd to be blunt.  Let's rewind to last year at this time.

I wanted to break up with Peter Pan more than anything.  Just the sound of his voice made me cringe.  But I had a dilemma, his father was terminally ill and after watching my own father battle cancer I didn't have the heart to kick Peter to the curb during such a dark time.  So instead I became my own personal martyr and stayed with Peter Pan.  As the days turned to weeks, just the sound of Peter's voice disgusted me.  I really tried to take one for the team, but Peter Pan had such a case of Napoleon Syndrome it was extremely difficult. 

When you are in love with someone you want to spend every waking moment with that person, regardless of what is going on.  I was never in love with Peter Pan, I was filling a void to be quite honest.  This epiphany came to me one evening after spin class while I was sitting on my couch covered in my sweat.  Peter Pan had just called and informed he he wanted to "stop by."  I can remember saying, "WHY."  Just like that, WHY.  The thought of having to take a shower because Peter Pan wanted to see me annoyed me.  I had no desire to see him, as a matter of a fact I was starting to hope he would lose my phone number.  But his dad was gravely ill, and I needed to be nicer.  So after Peter Pan telling me he needed to see me, I dragged my ass up the stairs, washed my armpits in the sink and took a bath in my Victoria Secret spray.  Classy, but I could have cared less. At this point, even Diesel thought Peter Pan was douche bag. 

About an hour later I heard my front door open.  Ugh my stomach began to hurt.  It was Peter Pan with Shop Rite bags.  WTF.  11:30 PM and this idiot was bringing his groceries to my house?  He started showing me all his bargains.  I started to realize just how cheap this guy was and it disgusted me.  The last thing I remember him saying was how the Shop Rite loaf of bread is just as good as Wonder and it was on sale for 89 cents.  He then started making himself an open face turkey sandwich with his bargains.  My God I hated this little man. 

Let me repeat myself, when you are truly in love you want to be with that person during most if not all of your free time.  If the opportunity arose to be with my friends and a bottle of vodka I was in, and not once did I ever give Peter Pan a heads up.  I partied like a rock star and came and went as I pleased, never giving a single thought to Peter Pan.  Looking back, I truly believe I was just too afraid to be alone so I kept Peter Pan on the back, back burner.

My friends and I had planned a big 80's night party.  I planned my outfit right down to the pink hair, I couldn't wait.  Since this was the thick of tax season, it was not uncommon for the entire day to pass and me to only hear from Peter Pan late in the evening.  The night of our 80's party, I can vividly remember sitting at my kitchen table with my girlfriends pretty much complaining how Peter Pan was a cheap ass and how I needed to figure out what I was going to do.  And then I checked Facebook.  In my newsfeed I saw an update from Peter Pan that his father had passed.  I was floored.  First, I think it's competely tacky to "announce" the death of a beloved parent on Facebook just seconds after such a tremendous loss, second I was extremely hurt that Peter Pan never picked up the phone to tell me.  Despite that fact that I was partying like a rock star, I do have a heart and would have been there for him during such a dark time.  What 39 year old man posts on FACEBOOK that a parent has passed and doesn't pick up the damn phone to tell his "girlfriend?"  I became so angry that I shut my phone off and began to drink the night away.

The next morning I woke up still in my florescent pink leggings, my Run DMC shirt and teased pink hair reeking of cherry vodka.  It was a good night, well from what I can remember.  As I reviewed the events of the night before, I started questioning if what I read on Facebook was accurate?  Was that a vodka hallucination???  So I logged on, and there it was clear as day.  Peter Pan had already begun thanking everyone for their condolences.  Still no phone call to me, and now it was just awkward for me to call him.  Not only did I party like a rock star the night before, I had a killer hangover and my hair was pink.  So getting in my car and consoling him was totally out of the question.  Besides, there was no way I was going to throw myself at any man, especially one who actions made it pretty clear he did not want me there.  Instead, I walked Diesel, grabbed a can of Pringles and went back to bed to watch Lifetime.  Because that's what you do when your boyfriends father passes away.  Right????

About an hour later my phone rang and it was Peter Pan.  Before I even said hello, he mumbled, "so I guess you heard the news."  This is when I felt like a giant asshole, so I lied.  I said, "oh what news."  For anyone that knows me, you know what a shitty liar I am.  He then informed me of his father's passing, and my Italian guilt really started to do a number on me.  So I lied some more.  I was livid Peter Pan didn't call me sooner, but I didn't have the heart to tell him I was drinking like a fish the night before and breakdancing in my living room.  I mean WHO does that?  And I'm not just referring to the breakdancing.

My friends and I knew I needed to recycle Peter Pan, but this was not a great time.  So during the next couple days I cleaned myself up nicely and stood by Peter Pan's side, the best I could.  As I began to sober up my disgust turned to hate.  This guy needed some serious intervention, and I wasn't looking to mold anyone, espically a 39 year old "man" who had zero relationship experience.  If I wanted a project I would head to my local Michael's craft store and take up candy making.  I have no interest in molding any of my boyfriends.  I'm looking to date a man, and I will not settle for anything less.

I realized I wanted to be in a normal relationship, one where you are exploding with happiness when you see your significant other.  One where your significant other actually buys you a Christmas and Valentines Day gift, even if it's just a plant.  But one where they remember you.  A relationship where if a crisis happens in his life you find out from HIM and not his Facebook status.  A relationship where you are so attracted to this man that just looking at his picture gives you chills.  I had none of this, I was cheating myself out of someone awesome by staying with Peter Pan.  So, I did the only thing I knew how to do.  I stayed with Peter Pan and dilluted myself.  I buriend my head in the sand and pretended everything was ok and "normal."  All for my fear of being alone, all when I already was alone.

Thankfully, I have wonderful girlfriends, so while I wasted my entire summer "dating" Peter Pan, I spent the majority of my summer with my girlfriends.  I don't know if I can ever repay some of these amazing woman for being there for me during my divorce and the months after, I don't even know if these women truly know how they all became my rock during this time.  Looking back, Peter Pan was never a real "boyfriend" he was just a friend, with on a rare occassion, benefits.  I could have handled his father's death differently, I could have been alittle more mature, but going throiugh a divorce is like going through your own death.  It's going through the death of a marriage.  And I had no business dating during this time.  I was not ready mentally.  You live and learn.