As I had my nose to the grindestone today at work I stumbled upon pictures that were saved on my computer. They were from my married days, Lucifer, me and his family on my deck in our home in Howell. I wanted a home more than anything, I wanted to host holidays, parties. I wanted the white picket fence, with the children and the dog running in the yard. I was too immature to realize I was with the wrong man to have all these wonderful gifts in life. I looked into my eyes and I saw how unhappy I was. Immediately, I was taken back to a very dark time in my life.
This particular photo was taken in July 2008. We were hosting a big barbeque with his family. My parents only lived 15 minutes away, and I wanted to invite them as well. When I told Lucifer I was going to invite my parents he snapped. He called me selfish, a bitch, inconsiderate. I couldn't understand what his problem was, and instead of defending myself I just agreed to not invite my parents. I cooked like it was the last supper, and I did it with major guilt. I can remember quietly crying as I was preparing for what was suppose to be a fun event.
When things like this happened, I would question Lucifer's faithfulness quietly to myself. But I never dreamed it would happen to me. I mean my parents have a wonderful marriage, I went to church on Sunday's, I never stepped on the sidewalk cracks, that would never happen to ME. Never. I was wrong.
The morning of our party Lucifer's sister called me to see if there was anything I needed. I always liked his sister, despite Lucifer's disapproval of how she chose to live her life. I asked her if she was bringing her boyfriend and she was thrilled that I invited her latest loser of a boyfriend. After all, this guy was dating Lucifer's sister, was around our neices and I felt it was important to have the ex con come to our event. I really thought I was doing the right thing. When I hung up and told Lucifer I invited his sister's boyfriend, Lucifer snapped. He begain throwing things, and screaming. He then glared and me and told me to enjoy "my party" and left. That's right, he left me to have a party with HIS family. Instead of me standing up for myself and leaving as well. I just stood there and cried. I felt trapped. I was married to the devil himself and I believed I was stuck for eternity in hell.
Lucifer was big on mind games. He returned about an hour or so later and acted like nothing was wrong. I on the other hand, had a major knot in my stomach and felt ill. Living on eggshells can be exhausting. Looking back at this photo today made me smile. It made me appreciate of where I am now, and made me thankful that Lucifer is now someone else's problem.
We all make mistakes in life, the important thing is we learn from them and build a solid foundation. Occassionally I have the urge to randomly text Lucifer and tell him to fuck off. Sometimes I do, I feel when a spouse cheats on you, you are allowed to do this until you are fully healed. I lost that urge for the random fuck you texts in South Beach. When I wasn't working, I was spending my time with a really great guy. I don't know what the future holds, but I know right now I'm content and I'm happy. Two emotions that I haven't felt in a very long time.
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