STOP!

I would like to ask all my wonderful, amazing friends to stop getting engaged and having babies while I start rebuilding my life.  Is that selfish?  Ok, alittle I guess, but for the first time in forever I'm feeling out of sorts.  I'm in a good place, I'm happy, but I feel like I'm "falling behind."  All the crazy "what if" questions have been creeping in my head.  Life isn't a race, enjoy it a YOUR pace.  I guess, but there are times where it gets overwhelming when you feel like you are constantly being punished for making the biggest mistake of your life, marrying Lucifer.

Once Lucifer admitted to cheating the marriage was never the same.  It died, he was shut down emotionally before, and this was just the icing on the cake.  He would fall asleep every night with facing the TV with his feet where the pillows were, so yeah his feet were in my face.  There was no romance, because the thought of him touching me made me sick to my stomach.  I tried to forgive, but the anger and the hurt was just too much, it was overwhelming.  We tried marriage counseling, but I believe with my whole heart that Lucifer was never truly sorry for cheating, he was sorry for getting caught.  To me, his infidelity was earth shattering, and left me feeling like a total failure.  I had a very difficult time wrapping my brain around why someone would do such a thing. 

Even after his infidelity, Lucifer wanted to have children, and I thank God I was never that dumb.  I knew a baby was not the answer to fix this broken relationship.  So we got a dog.  A cute, little 7 pound Boston Terrier, Diesel.  I had my reservations about getting a dog at first, because I knew in my heart that my marriage was ending.  But once I laid eyes on Diesel I fell in love.  Instantly, this little puppy became like a child to me.  He slept in his crate for about 3 nights and then slept next to me, in the middle of Lucifer and I.  I started taking Diesel everyplace I went, buying him clothes, toys, I spent more money on this new little guy than on my house, Lucifer, anyone else. 

Lucifer was either "working" or sleeping on the floor downstairs watching Sports Center.  I quickly began to throw myself into my new obsessions:  Diesel and working out.  The days turned to months.  Lucifer and I were growing apart and I was too afraid to truly see this and move on.  I was only 33 years old and felt like Mrs. Roper.  Why you ask?  Well, we never had sex, ever.  We never did anything together, and we fought all the time.  The only difference is that Mr. Roper loved Mrs. Roper.

I lived in a dead relationship for too long.  And now I am finally healing from that.  Letting my guard down, and truly trusting someone is extremely difficult.  Even peeing with the bathroom door unlocked and cracked is difficult when I'm with NL!  I have my work cut out for me, but after careful consideration I'm slowly letting the walls come down with NL.  Please continue to cross all body parts.

On a side note, and to end this - I had girls night on Friday.  I ended the evening sick as a dog and annoyed, because for the first time in a very long time I realized I would have rather been with NL, than on my knees puking my guts up.  Am I growing up, or is this something else?